God-sized Dreams by Bonnie from Faith Barista
As we continue our conversation about God-sized Dreams, I asked my dear friend Bonnie Gray from Faith Barista to share. Bonnie and I connected online last year and our friendship became even deeper when we finally got to meet face-to-face in California. We sat in a parking late one night and talked about our dreams and why joy is so hard sometimes. What she had to say encouraged me then...and I believe what she has to say today will do the same for you too.
I think I'm pregnant with promise, but what if I'm wrong?
It's a question that plagues me like water dripping out of a broken faucet. I've tried to turn off the doubt with positive sayings and even memorized verses. But, my fears of failing won't go away. It's because God hasn't given up on me. He wants me to keep moving towards my God-sized dreams.
Yesterday's Comfort
It's not the first time God has given me a dream bigger than what I'm capable of. Most of my life has been spent pursuing what I've believed God has called me to do. But I look back and see long stretches of fall and winter. I can't say those years weren't fruitful, because I have come to develop a comfort in finding God in them.
I've depended on God since my early years as the oldest girl growing up in a single parent family with little means. God is all the Daddy I know, so I stuck to him for dear life.
Dysfunctional upbringing? I sucked up the words of Jesus, like the last oxygen mask left in a broken plane crashing down.
Dreams of becoming a writer dashed for a practical engineering degree? I chose to find my joy in serving others instead.
A traumatic stint in missions left years marked by solitude and prayer, while singleness past 30 handed me the questions about the gift of singleness.
Even though I later got the surprising joy of getting married, I've been learning to be content with the storyline of my life for a very long time. I got so good at living with the disappointment of yesterday that I have trouble opening my heart up to taste joy in today.
Sand Between My Toes
I'd say I'm a happy person who loves to laugh, eat chocolate, and enjoy friends. And I can't describe the thrill my heart feels when I get to encourage others.
As for personal joy, the kind that is God-sized? I like to stick to the kind of joy that comes out of suffering and trials. Not because I'm all that spiritual. That's just the kind I know about.
I'm comfortable with walking through deserts. I'm used to wearing sandals and getting sand between my toes. Trouble is, I was walking along fine until one day, I stepped out of the desert and into new waters of healing. Scenes in my life that previously looked void of purpose took on a new shape, color, and sound. I started seeing God in the background.
I realized as hard and painful as my losses have been, Jesus' love for me grew deeper in spite of it all.
What Doesn't Feel Like Me
I've always felt like an ugly duckling, with experiences I wish never got written into my life. Since Jesus started showing me how He carried me through it all, I now see the fruits of love, faithfulness, and gentleness that He's planted in me, along with each sorrow.
A new kind of joy has been growing in my heart. It's a growing desire for beauty even though I've experienced the barrenness of dreams.
This joy is calling me to embrace abundance and celebrate the opportunities He's placed in my life.
Like a new pair of shoes, this joy is very uncomfortable. This joy doesn't feel like it's me. I'm afraid to lean into this joy because maybe it won't last.
Why Awkwardness
So many questions I never asked are now challenging this new freedom.
How will this joy change me?
Will my friends like this new me?
If I embrace this joy, will I love feeling this way more than depending on God?
Ultimately, all this awkwardness is a question about trusting in God's love. I'm used to snuggling in Jesus' arms. Now, He wants me to ride on His shoulders. Do I really deserve to be here? God is saying ---
Yes, You deserve to be here. Because I love you.
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Maybe you understand me better now, when I say that I think I'm pregnant with promise. I'm not having a baby. I'm expecting a God-sized dream. It's very early in the pregnancy right now. It's not even official. I hope this work that God is doing in me is real. I'm scared, but I'm also expectant. Because He loves me, I know God will stick by me no matter what.
"Who is like the Lord our God...
He lifts the needy from the ash heap,
To make them sit with princes...
He makes the barren woman abide in the house
As a joyful mother of children."
~ Psalm 113:5-9
Do you feel God is doing a new work in you? How is embracing joy part of that journey?
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Answer Bonnie's question above by leaving a comment before midnight CST on Sunday the 3rd and you'll be entered to win this new Tree of Life cuff bracelet by DaySpring to remind you of the new things God is growing in you!
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Holley Gerth
Reader Comments (102)
This was very encouraging. I like how you said that it's very early in the pregnancy of your God-sized dream and that it's not even official. I believe that's maybe where I am, too. I thought I was "pregnant with promise" but then, when nothing happened, I doubted it. Maybe it was just too early to tell. Lately, I've been getting those feelings again. Maybe, like you said, that feeling came back because God doesn't want me to give up on my God-sized dreams (I have two).
I have felt such joy in seeing God at work in my life after the death of my husband almost two years ago. God has also shown me how He carried me through that time and, because He foresaw what was to happen, was putting into place everything that I was going to need to get me through this season. It's been awesome for me to learn just how much God loves and cares about me and about what I'm going through. I honestly never knew that before. Such joy!
One of my God-sized dreams is a new job where I can help or serve people. Since the death of my husband, I've begun volunteering at a hospital twice a week and absolutely love that. I now work in a rather quiet office and, some days, don't see people and I've come to realize how much I miss people especially now that I go home to an empty house. I also like the feeling that I'm making a difference. I feel such joy as I leave my volunteer jobs. When I began doubting that I was "pregnant" with a possible new job, I told myself that "maybe the volunteer jobs were enough joy. Maybe that's all I get. Lots of people don't find joy in their work. Be happy you get to volunteer." But, just last week, one of the few people I had told about the possible pregnancy encouraged me to keep heading toward that dream, so I am.
My other God-sized dream is about finding a man to share my life with again. I met someone earlier this year and my feelings for him have grown over the months even though we sometimes don't get a chance to talk much at all. I began dreaming that I'd get a chance to really get to know him. Just a few days ago, he saw me in the hospital cafeteria where I spend some time before volunteering in the evening. (That’s not usually where I see him.) I was thrilled when he came over to say "hello". I felt such joy. I felt like a silly teenager even though I'm in my early 50's. He didn't stay too long but it occurred to me that maybe some evening he will come by again and we'll get a chance to talk. I've gotten encouraged before that things were going in a good direction but then nothing happens. That's when I question whether I deserve to experience the joy of marriage again. I had it once and some people never get to experience it. Why should I hope to find it again? But I was encouraged about what happened a few days ago and I can't get this man out of my head so maybe I'm not supposed to.
A job where I'm helping and serving people and finding the right man again are my God-sized dreams. One thing that makes them really God-sized is that I've been very very shy and introverted my whole life. I never would have thought I'd desire a job around people. I used to love my quiet office. I also never would have thought I'd ever interest a man enough to have him come over to my table to talk to me. I always had a hard time even getting up the courage to smile and say "hello". God is changing me and I like the changes. I still get nervous before volunteering. That's why I spend time in the cafeteria. I pray while I eat. And I still get butterflies when I meet new people. But, with God's help, I'm doing both and I'm so glad. And, yes, I know the “scared but expectant” feeling very well. A new job – very scary! Dating again – sooooo very scary! But, yet, those are my dreams and I’m excited about them. They have to come from God, though, because I have never liked scary.
Blessings,
So I know He's doing a new work in me, and I do feel moments of joy after much pain and desert-like conditions. I'm thrilled to be getting reaquainted with joy, but like you, am cautiously excited, wondering when it will end.
However, I am striving to enjoy the moment when it's there.
Thanks for your blog!God bless...
Also - the question that I have is "Do I have a dream?" I get through one day at a time and before you know it a year has gone by and nothing has happened.
Kind Regards,Winnie